Expectant

Each year my Aunt asks me, "So what's your WORD this year?" She chooses a word each year that God lays on her heart and that word is her theme and focus for that year. She started doing this years ago and each year urges me to choose a word and participate alongside her. Each year I try to pick out a good word that I believe will be fitting for that year or something I know I need to work on, but honestly no word from the past really sticks out as much as the word I've chosen for 2016. In January, I chose the word "Expectant" for this year. At that time, I knew 2016 would hold many changes for my family, but I wanted to go into this year full of expectation of what God was going to do instead of being fearful or anxious about the chaos that was soon to come. I really looked at 2016 as a "Here God, You can have it" type of year knowing that it would hold more than I could handle on my own. Between expecting our second child and moving to a new city for my husband's job, 2016 was going to be a big year for the Gale family. But this word has come to mean so much more as this year has unfolded.

 

Within a few weeks of deciding to be expectant and hopeful of what God would do this year, I had to go to the ER twice for a hemorrhage and was told I had a "threatened miscarriage". Already, 2016 wasn't going nearly as I expected and we were only a month in. The medical bills rolled in (and kept rolling in) and we were left helplessly fighting for our baby's life in a high-risk pregnancy, knowing prayer was the only thing we could really do to be active about the situation. In some ways, it felt like we were drowning. Asking God....why? I had expectations for this year, but this wasn't it. Despite this scary situation, God has remained strong and faithful to us. I never wanted to go through something like this, but in some weird ways, I can say I'm thankful for it. God has shown Himself as everything His Word claims He is to me during this time. He's worked things out in amazing ways. God has blown my expectations out of the water! He has shown up in huge ways and that is exactly what I had hoped for 2016. While it may not look how I would have wanted it to, choosing to expect big things from God this year was right on point.

The next month, Josh stood before 3 boards hoping to pass and become a provisional Ordained Elder in the United Methodist Church. Josh has been working towards this for years and it's been quite the process. He went through 3 years of seminary, wrote what seemed like a million pages worth of paperwork, papers, and Bible studies, sat through many meetings, and spent hours upon hours preparing for this moment. Thankfully, he passed!! While this was so exciting for our family, it also confirmed that we would definitely be moving to a new church in a new town in June. We are nervous, but trusting. Trying our very best to believe God will bring us to where we need to be. A month after he passed the boards, we found out that we would be moving to Lizella, GA and that Josh would be the head Pastor at Lizella UMC!

We are so excited for our new adventure, but also quite nervous to move to a brand new place. Or maybe I should say that I am! This is my first big move and if you haven't noticed over the few years I've been writing this blog, I'm not a fan of change. We are leaving behind family, a church family that we adore, friends, our first home, and the entire life we've build as a married couple. I'm moving to a place where I don't know a soul (thankfully we will have family somewhat close by) and everything about our life is going to change. While this is scary, it is also quite exciting and another chance for me to cling to the hope of being expectant for God to move in awesome ways during this next chapter. God has already allowed us to be placed at a wonderful appointment with a new, loving church family. We get to live in a parsonage that the church has so kindly been working hard to make perfect for our arrival. Josh and I are also getting to live out our dreams by taking this leap of faith and having high expectations of what God is going to do despite the unknown -- he will be the Pastor is his "own" church, continuing the process of becoming a fully Ordained Elder in the UMC and I will officially be a stay-at-home mom! We have both been dreaming of the day we would get to do these things for a very long time and are so excited the opportunity is finally here. God has truly taken care of us and provided above and beyond.

We are going into the month of May and I feel like my head is spinning. We have so much going on over the next 6 weeks. I always feel like we are busy and like our life is chaotic and I think surely one day it will slow down....but it only amps up! Each year life gets crazier, but despite the (extra long) laundry list of things going on in the next few months, I'm in a good place. Josh was preaching about God's timing last Sunday and saying that this concept has been quite prevalent in our lives over the past few months. He couldn't be more right. We have been so dependent on God and so trusting that God's timing and His plans will lead us to the right place. Josh and I have really been leaning on God more than ever to guide us and while there have been many ups and downs; there is something so peace-giving about trusting God and allowing Him to work in us. What an awesome thing to be able to say that God is changing the world and we get to be a small part of it, by allowing Him to work in us. Starting off the year choosing to be expectant and hopeful of what God would do this year was bold for me (normally I would be having a panic attack in the corner thinking of all the stresses to come), but letting go and allowing God to work in our lives has been such an amazing experience. God is working around us, working in us, and moving mountains for us and this world -- I had every right to be expectant of all the big things that God would do this year because He's doing them! God is moving in His way and His timing and I'm so thankful to be a part of it. While I have no idea what the future holds (more than ever), I'm going into this new chapter excited and expectant. It's such an encouraging and peace-giving place to be -- where God is.

 

When "Happily Ever After" Hasn't Come Yet

In our world today, we are programmed to believe that every story, every conflict, every struggle ends in a "happily ever after" fashion. Each problem we face must conclude with a tidy ending wrapped up neatly with a bow on top. With movies and TV as our example and the instant gratification mentality that our society has acquired, it's no wonder we expect instant answers and quick resolution. But what happens when certain seasons of life don't play out in the way we expect? What if there isn't a quick fix to the problems we are facing? What if things don't just work out?

I've been in such a strange season of life recently. I'm getting older and life is changing rapidly right before my eyes. Friends are scattered and in different phases of life. Work is more of a duty than a source of passion and fulfillment. Being a wife and a mother is on the forefront of my mind most hours of most days. I can feel myself slipping away from my old life while this new phase takes over. In so many ways, this is such a joyful and meaningful time. I am so very happy in many aspects of my life, but on the flip side, this season of life is very challenging and sometimes lonely. Friendships are changing, my purpose is evolving, and the sense of community that I once felt seems to be fleeting. It's easy to feel a little lost in all the changes. That question of "Who am I?" keeps coming back in my mind as I feel like I am almost redefining myself through this season of life. Some days feel a lot like going through the fire to hopefully come out better on the other side. It's such a confusing time.

I've gone to God many times at this point and just asked "why"? Why am I going through this season and why do I feel so alone in it sometimes? Why do things have to change and why haven't You provided me with the solution to how I'm feeling? Why does life give us seasons that are so paradoxical and inconsistent? I kept asking these questions and looking for the lesson that God was trying to teach me through all of this. I kept wanting the pain to be quick and the healing to show itself instantly. I kept waiting on the "Great Provider" to give me what I was longing for. I figured, I'll just have faith and He will come through. God will get me out of this "pit" and give me a magical rope to pull myself out. He is going to change my situation, just you wait.

As time went on, I felt worn down from the struggles I was facing and felt like things weren't changing at all. I had waited and waited, made every effort I could, and things were still the same. What the heck, God? What are you doing here? It's taken me a while to see it, but I feel like God is teaching me a huge lesson through this season. And it doesn't have a fairy tale ending...at least not yet. This story involves things staying the same and me being the one to (begrudgingly) change. I'm striving to be content in this season even though things aren't exactly how I wish they were. I'm reminded to be thankful for all the things I do have and all the things that are going as I hoped. Sometimes no matter how much we wish, there isn't always a quick and easy fix to our trials and tribulations. Sometimes the answer is just learning to lean more and more into God and find your comfort and strength in the one thing that will never change. I don't know how this story ends yet, but I continue to have faith. And I urge you to do the same. When "happily ever after" hasn't come yet....that's when you keep going, keep believing, keep trusting. But you can also let yourself be disappointed. Let yourself ask the hard questions. Not every season of life has a picture perfect ending. Sometimes the struggle continues and that's okay. I'm learning to accept that and I hope you do too.

God Is Making Things Happen For You (Are you watching?)

This quote above is one of my favorites. I think of it often and go back to it during the times where I don't feel God's answers to be as evident as I would like. It's encouraging to me to know that God is always working, in and around me, for His glory and my good. I read this, feel uplifted, and go on with my day. But the struggle comes when I forget this truth. The challenge comes when I forget to look for God's handprint in my life and I lose perspective. It's so easy to find myself never satisfied, always wanting more.


How often do we beg God for something and then once we get it...we immediately become unsatisfied with something else in our lives and go running to God to fix that as well? We don't even take the time to be thankful for our answered prayer and slow down enough to realize God is actively working in our lives in big and small ways.

I realized I was doing this recently when it came to my work life. Before I had Grayson, I dreamed of being able to work part-time and have the opportunity to stay home with him a few days a week. At the time, we didn't think this would be financially possible. Josh and I made the decision that I would go back to work full-time after having our baby. I was devastated and could barely even think about it. The daunting thought of having to go back to work creeped in during my entire 6 week maternity leave. I felt sick to my stomach at the thought of leaving my 6 week old baby to go back to work full-time. I went back for exactly a day and a half before making the decision that I had to go part-time. I talked to my boss immediately and she said it would be possible for me to go part-time. Problem-solved or in other words, prayer answered. Josh and I were nervous about being able to make it financially with me only working part-time. Well, we aren't rich that's for sure, but we are making it! God has provided for us whether that be through unexpected raises and bonuses or a sweet friend giving us used baby clothes and a church member dropping off a box of diapers for us. Every little bit counts and has helped us. Another prayer was answered. Josh was even able to go full-time at his job as associate pastor at our church this summer which allows me to be home more. Another example of God's hand in our lives.

While I was so happy to only work 3 days a week, I had to give up a lot of responsibility at work. I'm not doing as much now and not in charge of as much because I am there half the time. Because of that, I don't always feel as challenged as I would like at my job. Recently, I was down about that and instead of remembering how far God had brought me to allow me to stay at home more with my son, I focused on the negative. I focused on the part I had to give up in order for God to bless me. I also still hated commuting to and from Buckhead 3 days a week. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I hate commuting and how much it affects my life. I may have been working less, but on the days I did work, I would literally be almost in tears because the traffic would keep me away for added time. The drive would put me in an awful mood and it just became a burden in my life. One day, I was 30 minutes late picking up my son and I actually cried because I had been away from him for so long that day. I was in the car for an hour and a half trying to get to him after work and I had reached my limit. Soon after that, my company began hiring new people and it became a possibility for me to leave work an hour earlier. This might sound minor, but for a commuter, it's a big deal. I can get home in 40 minutes as opposed to an hour plus. And I am in a much happier mood when I reach my doorstep! Another prayer answered.

We moved offices at work recently and I found myself separated from most of my co-workers doing a job that is very basic and not extremely fulfilling for me. I was really bummed about it Monday and I felt lonely and left-out because I am away from everyone. Then I had a big wake-up call. How can I possibly complain at all about my work situation? God has been so good to me through all of this. How can I not be thankful for what He's done and lose perspective that fast? He has answered so many prayers over and over. And yet, only I could find a reason to still be unhappy and want more. I quickly reminded myself of all the ways God has moved in this situation and became overwhelmed with gratitude. I don't think I had even realized how much God had been working until I pieced it all together. And wow. That was just a tiny fraction of my life and God had it handled. And me? Well, I forgot that all too quickly and let negativity and anxiety take over instead of letting peace and praise fill me up.

God is working. All the time. Are we looking, opening our eyes, and being grateful in return? Or are we constantly asking for something more with discontent? It's easy to focus on the things in my life that I wish were better or different, but there is so much peace to be had when I realize that the things I want and need are slowly coming to be...all in His timing.

"The Lord is near. Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:5-7

Mother's Morning Out

While I was pregnant with Grayson, I envisioned what my life would be like when I finally became a mother. I saw myself continuing going to the gym, having date nights with my husband, and letting family and close friends watch Grayson while I took the time to do things for myself. I knew I would love my child and want to be with him, but I figured I would still make time for everything else. I planned to still invest in myself, my marriage, and my friendships.

Fast forward 5 months and I have to admit that this is something I struggle with as a new mother. I attribute a lot of it to the fact that I am already gone almost 11 hours, 3 days a week for work. For me, that is enough. I don't want to be away from my child any more than I have to be. And at almost 33 hours a week, I've hit my limit. For the first few months after I went back to work, I held on tight. I didn't want to take the time to do things for myself if that meant leaving Grayson behind. I didn't want to take the time to go on dates with my husband without making it a family affair. And I surely wasn't going to go hang out with friends or take any sort of trip if Grayson couldn't be a part of it. Recently, I really had to come to terms with the fact that I have put my life on hold since having a child. My life 100% revolves around my baby and I love it. I love bringing him with me wherever I go, mostly because, I really struggle being away from him. It makes me sad and I really dislike it. I want to be with Grayson as much as possible. I'm his mama and I feel like that's where I belong. I happily put him first.

The problem lies when I realized I have invested so much time in my son and not enough time in myself. I never do things for myself any more. I never want to leave Grayson with any one, so that I can take the time for me. It's not that I don't trust people. It's that I don't want to give up the precious, but limited time I have with him. The past month, my husband and I have talked a lot about how we needed to spend more time together, just us. This is a struggle because we love bringing Grayson with us. We love doing things as a new family of 3. But we also aren't naïve and we know that in order for our marriage to be successful and happy, we have to invest in each other. Without the baby. We have been trying to make more time for each other and trying to take people up on offers to watch Grayson, even if it's just for 45 minutes, so we can go on a run together like we did on our beach trip.

I've also been trying to work on this when it comes to myself. I got a massage gift certificate from my mom for Christmas. I remember her asking me what I wanted and telling her to get me something a new mother would appreciate. Well she hit the nail on the head...an hour of relaxation is a perfect gift for a new mommy! The problem was that it was hitting June and I still hadn't used the gift card. I didn't want to take the time to go because I didn't want to give up time with my son. This may sound crazy, but maybe someone out there can relate. I had put off doing things for myself for a long time and I knew it was time for me to take some time for myself. It's so important for me to recharge, so I am the best mom I can be. So yesterday, I let my mom watch Grayson, so that I could go get my massage. I'll admit, it was a little hard for me to give up time with him on my day off. But I knew it was important. And it was really nice! I really enjoyed myself. It felt good to take some time for me.

This is still a balancing act for me. I know it probably sounds crazy to some, but it's a very real struggle for me. I'm still trying to find the right balance between being a mom and taking the time for myself. Sometimes showing love to someone isn't by always being present, but by investing in what's important. Sometimes taking the time to care for myself and my marriage is a more significant and impactful act of love. My son deserves the best, the best version of myself and the best set of parents to look up to and learn from. And I am working on giving him those things.

Anxiety

Hello, my name is Brittany and I am a type A person. I liked order, control, and routine. I actually get a weird euphoria from making a list, checking things off said list, and completing tasks. I've never been a fan of change and am ridiculously predictable. I'm also emotional, sensitive, and tend to get overwhelmed easily. All that to say that I really struggle with anxiety and it has only gotten worse as I get older and as life gets more complicated, challenging, and overwhelming.

I actually had no idea I even dealt with anxiety until my senior year of college. I double majored and really wanted to graduate on time (and get the heck out of that place...I was so done!), so I ended up taking 18 credit hours my last 2 semesters. Crazy, I know, but I was determined to pull it off. In October of my senior year, I was more stressed than ever. My course load was overwhelming and the tension sat heavily on my shoulders. One day that fall, I had a particularly bad day. A few things happened that added to my already high stress level and everything finally culminated. I was late to class and found myself almost running to get there on time. I sat in my seat and my thoughts began to race. I had so much going on, so much to do...how was I going to pull this all off? It was just too much for me to handle. All of the sudden, my heart started racing, my hands started shaking and began to go numb. I couldn't catch my breath and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I was really scared, but I couldn't stop what was taking place. After my class ended, I simple Googled my symptoms and quickly found out that I had just experienced my first ever panic attack.

When I realized that all of my anxiety and stress had actually caused a panic attack, I knew something had to change. I mean nothing in my life was that bad. I quickly realized that I never needed to get so worked up about something that I would lose control of my body's reaction. But unfortunately, that is where the problem lies for me. Getting worked up, anxious, overwhelmed...it's just in my nature. My thoughts race and soon they are out of control. My body is tense and my vision is only focused on the issues at hand. I naturally do these things when I am stressed. And I get stressed quite quickly. The more I thought about it, I realized I had dealt with anxiety my entire life but had just never put a name to it. Flashbacks of moments throughout my life went through my head and I realized that I had experienced anxiety since I was a child. Now that I knew what I was dealing with, how was I going to fix it?

At first I just told myself I needed to relax. Then I went through a period a few years ago where I was going through a lot of life changes. I had graduated college, was living at home, was at a loss as to what I wanted to do with my life, and I was in a new, exciting but quickly becoming serious relationship. All of these changes scared me to be quite honest. I seriously debated getting on anti-anxiety medicine. I really didn't want to, but I also didn't want to be on edge on the time. I needed peace of mind and I was willing to do just about anything to get it. In the end, I never got on the medication. There is nothing wrong with doing that, but I felt like my type of anxiety was a battle that I could fight on my own. If only I had the right tools and the will to withstand giving in to it.

The more I studied, I realized that anxiety was also a spiritual battle for me. It was a way for the devil to get to me and bring me down, and boy, did it work. Slowly I would completely lose focus on what God was doing in my life and what He was trying to teach me. I would get so consumed that gratitude, appreciation, and perspective completely left me. I would get so sucked in to the lies that I would forget God's perfect and peace-giving truth. This anxiety, well it was disabling me from being productive, happy, and serving God in the way I should -- filled with joy and peace. I wanted to be able to focus on what really mattered and let the rest fall away. But that, for an anxiety-prone person like me, takes a lot of work. I have to fight my natural tendencies and really, I have to fight myself.

Anxiety is something I still deal with today. It's an issue that has recently come up again in my life due to all the changes, crazy schedules, lack of sleep, and just general busyness of my life. What I came to accept is that everyone's life is busy. Everyone has their plate full. It's just finding a healthy way to deal with it that is the key. So for me, I am constantly trying to:

• Calm down and take a breath
• Slow my thoughts -- they tend to be racing
• Keep perspective --these are first-world problems, after all
• Remember my blessings -- I have SO many! My life is awesome.
• Accept that life will go on if everything is not done
• Things don't have to and will not be perfect, and that's okay
• Relax, watch tv, or take time to not think -- turn my brain off for a while
• Get out and take a walk, run, or spend time with my family -- they are what truly matters to me
• Read my Bible, meditate on scriptures, pray, and let God fill me what the joy and peace He promises
• Enjoy life -- I only have one life, I need to enjoy it!

This is a small insight at my struggle with anxiety. This is me being transparent and honest. I hope that this post encourages someone in some way. Hopefully it at least serves as a reminder that if you too struggle with anxiety, you are not alone. We are all in this together. These internal battles are hard to overcome, but it is possible. One step at a time.

Little Wins

It's been a while since I've written anything on my blog that wasn't baby related...and I realize that. I haven't been the best about documenting my life, experiences, thoughts, struggles, etc. on my blog in the past few months. In all honesty, it is because I've felt swamped. I haven't been able to put into words everything I've been feeling, doing, and experiencing. There's just been so much! Between the new roles and responsibilities I now have in my life combined with the old ones, I've felt overwhelmed and just downright exhausted. There are days where I feel so happy my heart could explode, but there are also days (especially recently) where I get down on myself and don't feel like I'm doing a very good job. There's just so much to get done: cleaning, laundry, sleep training, working, pumping, feeding, playing, cooking....combine that with the sleepless nights and some days I just crack. (Anyone else get emotional when exhausted?) I start to feel inadequate and that I'm just not enough.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who constantly reassures me that I am a great mother and wife, even when I feel like that's far from the truth. I get negative (way too quickly) and forget what is actually going right. I tend to get so consumed in the struggle that I don't look up and remind myself of the positives, blessings, and accomplishments, no matter the size. (There are a ridiculous number of positives, by the way.) Lately, I've been very stressed, and not quite sure how to deal with it all. So, after talking a lot with my mom, I was reminded to count the little wins. (Don't you love how moms have a way of saying something so simple yet empowering?) I'm trying to make more of an effort to stay positive, stay motivated, and remember what I AM accomplishing. At the end of the day, I sometimes think of all I didn't get done that day, of the number of times Grayson had a meltdown, of my to-do list fails. But you know what? There's so much that goes RIGHT each day. There's so much progress that is made. There are lots of lessons learned. And hey at the very least, I survived, right? And I need to start seeing it. Changing my way of thinking is a work in progress, but I am trying.

Being Still Before God: A Look Behind My Chaotic Life

We all have mess. We all have issues. We all have lots of stuff going on. Everyone has things in their lives that don't quite look like they had planned. Some days it seems like everything is under control despite the laundry list of tasks to get accomplished we all have in the back of our minds. Other days, the chaos of life takes control and it all becomes a little too overwhelming. That is how last week went for me.

Right now, I have a lot going on. I work 40 plus hours a week, commute, clean, cook, and keep our household organized. I am active in my church and with our youth group. I spend time with friends and family. I pay bills, budget our limited income and resources, grocery shop, take care of our dog and meal plan. I'm expecting, a new mom-to-be, and trying to have a healthy pregnancy. I'm planning for the next 5 months before the baby arrives and the 5 months after the baby is here. I'm preparing for motherhood and still working on being a better spouse to my husband. Like I said, I have a lot going on. My mind is always busy thinking about what I need to get done and scheming about how to best accomplish it all. The problem is that I'm a multi-tasker, a controller, a fixer, and a perfectionist. I'm also hormonal! These qualities put together can be a toss-up of the key to my success or my ultimate downfall.

I started off last week with a lot on my plate which is pretty typical, but each day the weight on my shoulders just got heavier. There were a lot of unexpected expenses that came up and my to-do list wasn't getting checked off quick enough before another set of tasks were piled on. I was extremely stressed and had way too much going on. My mind was racing trying to figure out exactly how I was going to get it all accomplished and I soon became irritable, tense, and on the verge of a breakdown. I took all of these burdens on as my own and felt like I needed to be the one to fix all of them. Instead of relying on God, I let my circumstances and emotions get the best of me. Finally, something small happened and it was the straw that broke the camel's back. The flood gates opened and I was an emotional wreck. This buildup I had been experiencing and holding in all week finally came out. I felt defeated and scared. I was overwhelmed and there was no quick fix solution to make it all go away. The stress I had put on myself was creating stress and tension in other relationships in my life and I'm sure most people were steering clear of me by the end of the week because I was just a wreck and not very fun to be around. Life had beaten me down and I couldn't quite figure out how to get back up.

This week, I'm putting last week behind me and starting fresh. After I finally broke down, I realized how much of this I had been holding on to and holding inside. I was holding on for dear life unwilling to relinquish control. I hadn't been praying about it and I hadn't even tried to give my burdens to God. I was trying to do it all myself and let's face it, it wasn't working out so well. God spoke to me a lot this weekend and reminded me that each day presents challenges of its own. I need to come to Him every day and lay my burdens at His feet. It isn't a one-time thing, but a continual process. If I don't do this daily, I am missing out on the full and abundant life that God intends for me. I hadn't been resting in Him and I could tell because I felt emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. The constant battle I was fighting had taken all the energy I had. I hadn't been still before God, in fact I hadn't sat still all week. I was too busy running around like a crazy lady checking off a to-do list and worrying about problems that can't be resolved in one day. This week, I'm practicing giving up all my troubles to God and allowing Him to fill me with peace, knowing He has it under control. I am going to wipe my hands clean of the things I can't control or fix and accept that I can only do so much with the things I do have the ability to control. The Lord will fight for me; all I have to do is be still.

God can make something beautiful out of a mess. He can restore hurting relationships and rejuvenate our tired souls. He can accomplish things beyond our wildest dreams. God offers us rest, hope, peace and restoration. He will fill us up and allow us to keep going when we feel like we don't have the strength to go on...if we would only just let Him. If any of this resonates with you, I challenge you to lay all of your troubles at God's feet and just be still before Him. Relinquish that control.You might be amazed at what He can do once we finally let go. Like I said, we all have messes in our lives, but how we deal with it is really what defines us.

Trust & Obey

If you have been in church for any length of time, you are probably familiar with the hymn "Trust and Obey". It's a very straightforward but honest song. The chorus declares "Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey." Sounds simple enough, right? When you are younger, it's easy to sing these words believing that it will always be an easy choice to trust and obey God. But the older you get and the more challenges you face, it becomes a little more difficult to just "trust and obey" with no questions asked. It's easy to withhold our trust and start to convince ourselves that our situation is the exception to rule of obedience. We know God is telling us to do something, but we deceive ourselves into thinking that He couldn't possibly still have the same expectations of us with our current circumstances. It's tempting to believe that the hard times are an exception for being obedient to God, but in fact, that's exactly when obedience and trust are key.

I have recently struggled to be obedient to God in a few areas that I never have before. I have always been quick to give, of my time and money. It's never been difficult for me and most of the time I do not hesitant to give to those around me and to my church. Giving has always brought me great joy and fulfilled me in a way like no other. I never thought twice about it before, always being generous despite the cost. Recently, my money and time have become tighter. There hasn't been as much of it to spare. God is truly challenging me to trust Him and continue obeying Him during a time when it isn't so simple. Obeying Him right now might mean sacrificing nicer things and rest for my mind and body. That song "Trust & Obey" has been replaying in my mind for a few months and I can't say I haven't looked up at God a few times and questioned how He expected me to continue on doing what He had called me to do when my resources were quite limited. How can He expect me to make these sacrifices when I'm already working so hard already and I'm exhausted trying to keep it all together? It's easy to make excuses and convince myself that I need those things more than others do. It's easy to sleep instead of serve and it's easy to use my hard earned money for myself instead of living modestly and giving it away to those in need. Obedience is not the easy choice after all.

But, I will press on. For God is calling me to trust Him in order to fulfill not only His glory, but my good. Trusting God when it is difficult allows you to see His goodness, as well as, the goodness in others. God has continued to provide for us, so that we are able to give. He has made a way when it didn't seem like there was one. He has given me the energy to continue serving and opened up the time in my schedule to be present. God has drawn me closer to Him and given me the courage to say, "I trust You. I trust Your timing. What I have: my time, my money, my life...it's Yours. No excuses." He continues to give me that joy, so that I can give that joy to others. The hymn does say,

"But we never can prove
the delights of His love
until all on the altar we lay;
for the favor He shows,
for the joy He bestows,
are for them who will trust and obey."

I challenge you to trust and obey Him today. Take a leap of faith when you can't see where the path leads, for I promise you that the benefit far outweighs the cost.

FRIENDS

Each season of life is unique in its own way and each comes with different struggles and adaptations, but I must say that the phase in between college and "real" adulthood is by far the strangest I have yet experienced. You are technically an adult, but you wouldn't consider yourself one. You are left learning to navigate for yourself without the roadmap you have always held -- you don't know how this time period is supposed to look. There is no right or wrong answer which makes it harder to make decisions. You determine where you want to go and you have to figure out exactly how you will deal with and adjust to the changing circumstances. It's funny how things change when you get older, things that you would never expect. There are certain trials that happen in life that no one tells you about. There is no warning or preparation; it just happens. Sometimes you just aren't prepared for everything that growing up entails.

In high school and college, I definitely would have defined myself as a social butterfly. I was always out and about doing things with friends. You would rarely find me home on the weekends because I made it a point to fill up my schedule. In college, I regularly had lunch/dinner dates with girlfriends and would go to the gym or go running with friends. It was very rare when it was just the roommates in our townhouse because we always had people over. I kept myself busy and constantly in contact with everyone because in college there are almost always people around at all times in the day. You have to try really hard to fit a quiet moment to yourself in. I wasn't used to spending much time alone or struggling with friendships.

When I graduated and moved home, things changed. My once booming social life soon began to dwindle and I struggled to maintain friendships, let alone make new ones. No one ever warned me about this particular dilemma. I never realized that part of my life was going to change so drastically. I have now been out of college for 2.5 years and I am still dealing with this change. It's a lot harder to make friends when you are older and tend to see the same people day in and day out. I don't come in contact with as nearly as many people as I did when I was in school. It's also harder to keep friends because we don't live as close anymore and people tend to be scattered in different cities or even different states. It's not as easy to just call someone and ask to hang out spur of the moment. Everything has to be planned and scheduled. It's an awkward phase and it was tough for me.

Life seemed to get in the way of what used to be one of my first priorities, my friends. Many nights when my husband would have a night class, I would dread going home because I knew I would be there alone with nothing to do. When there were things to do, I wasn't always able to make it to hang out like I used to because of work or the long drive. I missed out on fun events because I had to be up early the next day or I wanted to spend rare quality time with my husband. There were also times where I just didn't get invited to hang out with friends like I used to. I was sometimes forgotten or maybe just not as close to that group anymore. I've had friends move, get married, get new jobs, get in consuming relationships, etc. and they weren't around to spend much time together anymore. Some people assumed that because I was now married, I wouldn't be as interested in spending time with friends as I once was. This was completely false, but I noticed myself getting invited to do less and less. I found myself almost always being the one who had to make the effort to make the friendship happen. It hurt and it was hard for me to see other people having so many "friends" when I felt like I had very few who were truly there for me.

I slowly realized that I wasn't the only person in this boat. I actually found out that many people my age dealt with the same problem and also felt like I did. Little did I know, I wasn't alone in this at all. It's still hard for me, but I am becoming more content with the friends that God has blessed me with. Getting older has allowed me to have less surface level friendships with lots of people and instead dig deep into a few friendships that really matter. It has taught me to cherish the friends that I do have because I know how hard real friends are to come by. It has drawn me closer to loved ones knowing that these people are worth investing in because they will be there for me until the end. I've gained a brand new perspective and a deeper understanding of relationships as a whole. I am also learning that there are times where I will just have to accept being alone and that's perfectly okay.

No matter how happy I am with my marriage, my family, my job, my church...I will always crave genuine friendships. It took me a while to realize this, but I still have those friendships. They may look different as I get older and they might require a little bit more effort, but they are still there.

HILLSONG UNITED CONCERT

Last week was a particularly rough week for me. I had a conversation with a few people very close to me and was taken aback by their views. I knew their beliefs did not exactly match with mine, but I had no idea how different the two actually were. I suddenly felt alone in my faith and somewhat hopeless about the situation, knowing there wasn't much I could do to change their minds. I felt like every word that came out of my mouth was being viewed as a dagger against them and nothing I said would make them feel the way I did. I felt so discouraged.

Thankfully before the conversation ended, I got the opportunity to describe to them how I felt about my faith, that it was more than just "religion" to me. I told them it is my passion. It is the driving force behind my life and my marriage. It is something I would die for. It's like being deeper in love than you could ever imagine. I told them it was the ultimate love story in my life. They said they had never felt that way about anything, in their whole life. I desperately wanted them to experience that kind of love.

Later that week, I went to go to the Hillsong United concert. Hillsong has always been my favorite Christian band. Their style of worship is so powerful to me and I can always feel God's presence as I worship with them. This was the third time I was seeing them in concert, so I knew to expect a great show. Little did I know how crucial that concert would be for me. I wasn't in the best mood then we got there and I half sung the songs with the opening band. There was a really long break before the main act came on and I was irritated that we had to wait so long for the show to start, being that I had to work early the next morning. They finally dimmed the lights and Hillsong took the stage. They started playing one of their most powerful songs, "The Stand" which talks about letting everything go and just praising Him. From that point on, I shut out everything around me. I didn't pay any attention to the people, the lights, my thoughts, or my pain from earlier in the week. In that moment, it was just God and I. If you haven't, I hope you someday get the chance to worship God with a massive group of people. There is nothing like it. It is like a little glimpse of Heaven and it is always beautifully breathtaking.

That concert was exactly what I needed. I spent 2 full hours worshipping Jesus with all I had, being still before Him, and listening to what He had to say to me. I was strengthened and encouraged in my faith. I felt part of a community of believers around me. I didn't feel alone anymore. After feeling so broken earlier in the week, I felt whole in His presence. I thought to myself, this is why I live my life the way that I do. This is why I am willing to take criticism for my faith. This is why my life has been transformed. This is why I am passionate and dedicated to what I believe. This is why I am deeply in love. This is why all of the sacrifices and hardships are worth it. This is why I have to be bold in my faith no matter how scary it is and how different it makes me. Being in God's presence, worshipping Him with all I am, this is worth it all.

"I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand, My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours"

Pruning

There has been a lot going on in our world lately. Needless to say, between seminary, church activities, youth group activities, Land Rover, and finding somewhere to live...our lives have been somewhat hectic! I find myself in a constant state of stress and anxiety from the whirlwind of chaos. There are many emotions felt in a single day and I can hardly keep track of what exactly is going on because it all changes at such a rapid rate. The funny thing is, no matter how much I've freaked out about all the uncertainties, God has been faithful.

Recently in my Sunday School class, we were discussing the idea of God "pruning" us. Pruning is defined as cutting, clearing, ridding, trimming, or removing any needless or undesired twigs, branches, or roots. We talked about how God prunes us each day by putting us through uncomfortable situations that we would prefer to avoid to refine us and develop qualities within us that would never be established without those hardships. There are so many strengths that are developed within us during the struggles that wouldn't be there otherwise. When metal is put under fire, all of the impurities rise up and are released from that metal. Only after being put through the fire is the metal considered refined and purified. Without the seasons of pruning, those undesirable and unwanted qualities would remain within us.

The seasons of pruning can be difficult ones, but they can also be fruitful. I can say that during this stressful season of my life when God is doing things that I do not always understand, I am developing important qualities and I am learning important lessons. I am slowly learning to let go of the reins and to not only trust God wholeheartedly, but also trust the people around me. I am learning to put more faith in others instead of taking control of everything myself. I am also being put to the test as far as unwavering trust and faith goes. I sing songs every day that proclaim my trust that God is in control. I delcare that He holds all things together and that if He will provide for the birds, then surely He will provide for me. But do my actions always demonstrate these words as loudly as my voice does? I'm working on that. I am being given wisdom during these trials, wisdom of how to take care of my family and wisdom of when to let go and let God. God is developing an inner strength within me, the type of strength that doesn't depend on human abilities but depends on and hopes in Him. God is encouraging me to be courageous, to fearlessly stand out when I know that's the right thing to do. He is teaching me to be selfless and to work hard for what I want. He is showing me that there are nice people in this world who will help you out whether they know you personally or not. He is revealing to me that my marriage doesn't have to weaken because of trials, but in fact it can be strengthened. He is developing my prayer life and allowing me to put all of my feelings into words spoken to Him. He is drawing me close to Him and allowing me to feel what it's like to experience intimacy with the Father. He is continually proving to me, "Brittany, I've got this."

God is pruning me, and it's a wonderful, beautiful thing.

Never Satisfied

It's a sickness, an epidemic that has taken over our country without us even realizing it.

Every day it becomes more and more apparent to me how our society runs. We live in an "est" culture. We want the best, the biggest, the happiest, the smartest, the prettiest, the richest, etc. Nothing is ever good enough for us; we want it all. It's not necessarily a bad thing to desire more and work hard to get there, but when not having the "est" of everything takes over your being, then it's a problem. Why are we never content?

This issue is especially prominent in women today. There is something wired in us that makes us see something great happening to someone else and instead of being happy for them, we instantly get jealous. We want that for ourselves, despite all of the great things we already have. I see it in my friends and I see it in myself. If we are single, then we want a boyfriend. If we have a boyfriend, we want to get engaged. If we are engaged, we want the biggest ring and the best wedding. Even if we are blessed with a wonderful marriage, we want a house, a baby, a new car....it never ends. What is so sad about this mindset is that it takes away from what we do have. Each of us have countless blessings at our fingertips whether it is a job, a child, a parent, a friend, or anything that makes us happy. Don't get so caught up with what's happening in everyone else's life that you miss all the awesome things happening in YOUR life. It's dangerous to start lusting after what everyone else has. You suddenly look at your life and feel like it's not good enough. I'll be honest, this makes me really angry. I see so many amazing women who have a great job, a great boyfriend, or a great group of friends, get down on themselves because they are missing that one thing in their lives. They instantly feel unworthy. That's a distorted point of view and it's not the truth.

It's a sickness, an epidemic that has taken over our country without us even realizing it. It relentlessly controls our minds and our lives and it has got to stop. Envy steals contentment from our hearts. It takes the peace out of our lives and replaces it with jealousy and ultimately, hate. Hate for the people in our lives who have what we want and hate for ourselves for not having or not being enough. Don't let it. We each need to take a step back from this toxic outlook that we have been sucked into and realize all that we do have. We need to take up an attitude of contentment and thanksgiving for the wonderful gifts we have been given. Each of us is so blessed and beautiful, on the inside and outside. Remember that. Don't let your life be in a constant state of bitterness because of what you lack. Make an effort each day to count your blessings and be thankful for where you are at. Rest in what you have accomplished and where you are headed. As women, we have got to make this change and set an example of a thankful heart for the people around us and for generations to come. This green eyed monster is only going to get bigger the more we feed it.

Take a stand today and open up your eyes...your life is beautiful.