Mother's Morning Out

While I was pregnant with Grayson, I envisioned what my life would be like when I finally became a mother. I saw myself continuing going to the gym, having date nights with my husband, and letting family and close friends watch Grayson while I took the time to do things for myself. I knew I would love my child and want to be with him, but I figured I would still make time for everything else. I planned to still invest in myself, my marriage, and my friendships.

Fast forward 5 months and I have to admit that this is something I struggle with as a new mother. I attribute a lot of it to the fact that I am already gone almost 11 hours, 3 days a week for work. For me, that is enough. I don't want to be away from my child any more than I have to be. And at almost 33 hours a week, I've hit my limit. For the first few months after I went back to work, I held on tight. I didn't want to take the time to do things for myself if that meant leaving Grayson behind. I didn't want to take the time to go on dates with my husband without making it a family affair. And I surely wasn't going to go hang out with friends or take any sort of trip if Grayson couldn't be a part of it. Recently, I really had to come to terms with the fact that I have put my life on hold since having a child. My life 100% revolves around my baby and I love it. I love bringing him with me wherever I go, mostly because, I really struggle being away from him. It makes me sad and I really dislike it. I want to be with Grayson as much as possible. I'm his mama and I feel like that's where I belong. I happily put him first.

The problem lies when I realized I have invested so much time in my son and not enough time in myself. I never do things for myself any more. I never want to leave Grayson with any one, so that I can take the time for me. It's not that I don't trust people. It's that I don't want to give up the precious, but limited time I have with him. The past month, my husband and I have talked a lot about how we needed to spend more time together, just us. This is a struggle because we love bringing Grayson with us. We love doing things as a new family of 3. But we also aren't naïve and we know that in order for our marriage to be successful and happy, we have to invest in each other. Without the baby. We have been trying to make more time for each other and trying to take people up on offers to watch Grayson, even if it's just for 45 minutes, so we can go on a run together like we did on our beach trip.

I've also been trying to work on this when it comes to myself. I got a massage gift certificate from my mom for Christmas. I remember her asking me what I wanted and telling her to get me something a new mother would appreciate. Well she hit the nail on the head...an hour of relaxation is a perfect gift for a new mommy! The problem was that it was hitting June and I still hadn't used the gift card. I didn't want to take the time to go because I didn't want to give up time with my son. This may sound crazy, but maybe someone out there can relate. I had put off doing things for myself for a long time and I knew it was time for me to take some time for myself. It's so important for me to recharge, so I am the best mom I can be. So yesterday, I let my mom watch Grayson, so that I could go get my massage. I'll admit, it was a little hard for me to give up time with him on my day off. But I knew it was important. And it was really nice! I really enjoyed myself. It felt good to take some time for me.

This is still a balancing act for me. I know it probably sounds crazy to some, but it's a very real struggle for me. I'm still trying to find the right balance between being a mom and taking the time for myself. Sometimes showing love to someone isn't by always being present, but by investing in what's important. Sometimes taking the time to care for myself and my marriage is a more significant and impactful act of love. My son deserves the best, the best version of myself and the best set of parents to look up to and learn from. And I am working on giving him those things.

Working Mama Blues

Here I am, sitting here during my last hour of work, completely restless and ready to go home. My number one motivation for getting out the door and on the road you might ask? My baby boy! Going back to work after having my son, Grayson, has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I knew it would be difficult, but the weight of that decision was more than I ever anticipated. After planning (and attempting to execute) to go back to work full-time 6 weeks after having my son, I barely lasted 2 days before I reduced my hours. Those two days were a nightmare. Yes, that may sound dramatic, but if you are a mother, then you probably understand how difficult it really can be to leave your baby, especially for the first time. I literally felt sick to my stomach at the thought of those precious 6 weeks of maternity leave coming to an end. It was truly the first time that Grayson and I had ever been separated in almost a year. Yes, he was only 6 weeks old, but I had also carried him for the 9 months prior. I felt his every move and held him safe and secure in my belly, taking him everywhere I went (and loving every minute of that). I only left him for a few hours during those 6 weeks after his birth. Partially because I just didn't want to, but also because I knew those 6 weeks were so precious to this working mama. I knew that was our uninterrupted time together and that no one could take that away from us. I once heard someone say that having a child is like having a part of your heart outside of your body and I believe that's true. The bond I feel with my son is unlike any other. When we are apart, I just feel like something is missing. All I am thinking about is how long until I get to kiss his little cheeks again. In a nutshell, being a working mama has been an ongoing struggle in my life.

Ironically, I had a completely opposite stance before I got pregnant with Grayson. I had nothing wrong with women who felt called to work in the home and be stay-at-home moms, but I believed that life just wasn't for me. I felt like I wanted to do "more" with my life than "just be a mother." I felt like I would be giving up on all my dreams and aspirations if I stayed at home raising my babies. I knew it would be tough to work, but I wanted to do it. (I also knew staying at home probably would never be financially possible for our family, so I didn't even entertain the thought of it.) Well fast forward a little bit, now that I have an almost 4 month old baby, and my thoughts on this subject are completely different. As you always hear, a child changes your life, but little did I understand the full repercussions of being a mother until my son entered my world. Grayson has changed my life and turned my world upside down. The love I feel for him is like no other and he brings out a side in me that I've never known before. My heart is so, very full. Since he has arrived in our lives, I've wanted nothing more than to spend my days with him. I felt such a calling to be his mother and such a fulfillment by caring for him and dedicating my time to his little life. I wanted to witness every milestone, teach him all I know, kiss his boo boos away, snuggle and ready him stories, sing songs and dance like crazy just to make him laugh...and so much more.  Suddenly, being "just a mother" was more than I had ever dreamed. And working, well that felt like a weird form of torture taking me away from my baby.

Luckily, I have found a compromise. A nice balance in my life. I currently work 3 days a week and I am very blessed to have that opportunity. I try to see the positive side of it and am so thankful I am not gone 11 hours a day every day. But those 3 days a week that I am gone are long and challenging. This is the new reality of my life. Balancing working and being a mother. And guys, it's tough. It's been a huge burden, but I am getting through it. Many women have told me that they believe this is a nice outlet for me and it's good for me to get out and be around adults. I try to remember that on the hard days. There are days where I am content with working and days where the "mommy guilt" creeps in. I'll feel like I've been gone way too long and missed way too much. I'll feel like Grayson won't remember who I am and he won't know me. That was a huge fear for me in the beginning. I didn't even like the idea of anyone else changing his diaper and feeding him. As daunting as those tasks can be, I'm his mommy and I wanted to do it for him, poopy diapers and all. I'm a lot more used to working now and having to leave my son a few days a week, but there's always that part of me wanting to kick and scream "I don't wanna go!" like I did when was when I was a kid. It's such a tug-of-war.

THIS. This is what has been on my heart lately and what I've been wrestling with. Being a mother...it isn't easy. And these choices we have to make for ourselves and our children aren't either. There is no clear cut answer to the question of being a working mom vs. a stay-at-home mom. There is no right or wrong decision, only what works best for you and your family. Through this experience, I have come to have more respect for each side: working moms and stay-at-home moms. Just moms in general. What a big, big job raising up these little people. What an incredible love we feel for our children and a burden to always give them our best. What big decisions we have ahead of us as we learn what's best for them and what's best for us. We are all in this together, navigating the unknown path ahead, wanting to be the best moms we can be for our babies. And in that, I find encouragement.