While I was pregnant with Grayson, I envisioned what my life would be like when I finally became a mother. I saw myself continuing going to the gym, having date nights with my husband, and letting family and close friends watch Grayson while I took the time to do things for myself. I knew I would love my child and want to be with him, but I figured I would still make time for everything else. I planned to still invest in myself, my marriage, and my friendships.
Fast forward 5 months and I have to admit that this is something I struggle with as a new mother. I attribute a lot of it to the fact that I am already gone almost 11 hours, 3 days a week for work. For me, that is enough. I don't want to be away from my child any more than I have to be. And at almost 33 hours a week, I've hit my limit. For the first few months after I went back to work, I held on tight. I didn't want to take the time to do things for myself if that meant leaving Grayson behind. I didn't want to take the time to go on dates with my husband without making it a family affair. And I surely wasn't going to go hang out with friends or take any sort of trip if Grayson couldn't be a part of it. Recently, I really had to come to terms with the fact that I have put my life on hold since having a child. My life 100% revolves around my baby and I love it. I love bringing him with me wherever I go, mostly because, I really struggle being away from him. It makes me sad and I really dislike it. I want to be with Grayson as much as possible. I'm his mama and I feel like that's where I belong. I happily put him first.
The problem lies when I realized I have invested so much time in my son and not enough time in myself. I never do things for myself any more. I never want to leave Grayson with any one, so that I can take the time for me. It's not that I don't trust people. It's that I don't want to give up the precious, but limited time I have with him. The past month, my husband and I have talked a lot about how we needed to spend more time together, just us. This is a struggle because we love bringing Grayson with us. We love doing things as a new family of 3. But we also aren't naïve and we know that in order for our marriage to be successful and happy, we have to invest in each other. Without the baby. We have been trying to make more time for each other and trying to take people up on offers to watch Grayson, even if it's just for 45 minutes, so we can go on a run together like we did on our beach trip.
I've also been trying to work on this when it comes to myself. I got a massage gift certificate from my mom for Christmas. I remember her asking me what I wanted and telling her to get me something a new mother would appreciate. Well she hit the nail on the head...an hour of relaxation is a perfect gift for a new mommy! The problem was that it was hitting June and I still hadn't used the gift card. I didn't want to take the time to go because I didn't want to give up time with my son. This may sound crazy, but maybe someone out there can relate. I had put off doing things for myself for a long time and I knew it was time for me to take some time for myself. It's so important for me to recharge, so I am the best mom I can be. So yesterday, I let my mom watch Grayson, so that I could go get my massage. I'll admit, it was a little hard for me to give up time with him on my day off. But I knew it was important. And it was really nice! I really enjoyed myself. It felt good to take some time for me.
This is still a balancing act for me. I know it probably sounds crazy to some, but it's a very real struggle for me. I'm still trying to find the right balance between being a mom and taking the time for myself. Sometimes showing love to someone isn't by always being present, but by investing in what's important. Sometimes taking the time to care for myself and my marriage is a more significant and impactful act of love. My son deserves the best, the best version of myself and the best set of parents to look up to and learn from. And I am working on giving him those things.
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