Working Mama Blues

Here I am, sitting here during my last hour of work, completely restless and ready to go home. My number one motivation for getting out the door and on the road you might ask? My baby boy! Going back to work after having my son, Grayson, has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I knew it would be difficult, but the weight of that decision was more than I ever anticipated. After planning (and attempting to execute) to go back to work full-time 6 weeks after having my son, I barely lasted 2 days before I reduced my hours. Those two days were a nightmare. Yes, that may sound dramatic, but if you are a mother, then you probably understand how difficult it really can be to leave your baby, especially for the first time. I literally felt sick to my stomach at the thought of those precious 6 weeks of maternity leave coming to an end. It was truly the first time that Grayson and I had ever been separated in almost a year. Yes, he was only 6 weeks old, but I had also carried him for the 9 months prior. I felt his every move and held him safe and secure in my belly, taking him everywhere I went (and loving every minute of that). I only left him for a few hours during those 6 weeks after his birth. Partially because I just didn't want to, but also because I knew those 6 weeks were so precious to this working mama. I knew that was our uninterrupted time together and that no one could take that away from us. I once heard someone say that having a child is like having a part of your heart outside of your body and I believe that's true. The bond I feel with my son is unlike any other. When we are apart, I just feel like something is missing. All I am thinking about is how long until I get to kiss his little cheeks again. In a nutshell, being a working mama has been an ongoing struggle in my life.

Ironically, I had a completely opposite stance before I got pregnant with Grayson. I had nothing wrong with women who felt called to work in the home and be stay-at-home moms, but I believed that life just wasn't for me. I felt like I wanted to do "more" with my life than "just be a mother." I felt like I would be giving up on all my dreams and aspirations if I stayed at home raising my babies. I knew it would be tough to work, but I wanted to do it. (I also knew staying at home probably would never be financially possible for our family, so I didn't even entertain the thought of it.) Well fast forward a little bit, now that I have an almost 4 month old baby, and my thoughts on this subject are completely different. As you always hear, a child changes your life, but little did I understand the full repercussions of being a mother until my son entered my world. Grayson has changed my life and turned my world upside down. The love I feel for him is like no other and he brings out a side in me that I've never known before. My heart is so, very full. Since he has arrived in our lives, I've wanted nothing more than to spend my days with him. I felt such a calling to be his mother and such a fulfillment by caring for him and dedicating my time to his little life. I wanted to witness every milestone, teach him all I know, kiss his boo boos away, snuggle and ready him stories, sing songs and dance like crazy just to make him laugh...and so much more.  Suddenly, being "just a mother" was more than I had ever dreamed. And working, well that felt like a weird form of torture taking me away from my baby.

Luckily, I have found a compromise. A nice balance in my life. I currently work 3 days a week and I am very blessed to have that opportunity. I try to see the positive side of it and am so thankful I am not gone 11 hours a day every day. But those 3 days a week that I am gone are long and challenging. This is the new reality of my life. Balancing working and being a mother. And guys, it's tough. It's been a huge burden, but I am getting through it. Many women have told me that they believe this is a nice outlet for me and it's good for me to get out and be around adults. I try to remember that on the hard days. There are days where I am content with working and days where the "mommy guilt" creeps in. I'll feel like I've been gone way too long and missed way too much. I'll feel like Grayson won't remember who I am and he won't know me. That was a huge fear for me in the beginning. I didn't even like the idea of anyone else changing his diaper and feeding him. As daunting as those tasks can be, I'm his mommy and I wanted to do it for him, poopy diapers and all. I'm a lot more used to working now and having to leave my son a few days a week, but there's always that part of me wanting to kick and scream "I don't wanna go!" like I did when was when I was a kid. It's such a tug-of-war.

THIS. This is what has been on my heart lately and what I've been wrestling with. Being a mother...it isn't easy. And these choices we have to make for ourselves and our children aren't either. There is no clear cut answer to the question of being a working mom vs. a stay-at-home mom. There is no right or wrong decision, only what works best for you and your family. Through this experience, I have come to have more respect for each side: working moms and stay-at-home moms. Just moms in general. What a big, big job raising up these little people. What an incredible love we feel for our children and a burden to always give them our best. What big decisions we have ahead of us as we learn what's best for them and what's best for us. We are all in this together, navigating the unknown path ahead, wanting to be the best moms we can be for our babies. And in that, I find encouragement.

Grayson's 3 Month Update!

Yep, it's that time again. Another month has passed (cue the tears!). Grayson is officially 3 months old and he is no longer considered a newborn, but an infant. He's growing up, ya'll! (Yes, I know I sound ridiculous, but I'm a cheesy mom now. I can't help it!) This month has been my favorite as of yet. Grayson is growing and changing so much and it feels like each day he is learning something new. He is at such a fun age! He is so much more aware of his surroundings and a much more calm and content baby because of that. He loves to smile, laugh, and "talk" to us. Grayson is such a joy in our lives and I've really enjoyed his 3rd month!

Weight & Height: Grayson is currently 13.5 pounds and growing like a weed! He has really chunked up this month and it's so cute. The baby rolls are accumulating and I love them, as well as, his chubby cheeks. I'm not sure of his height, but I do believe he is longer than last month based on how his pants are fitting.
 

Sleep: Hallelujah....do you hear the angels singing?! This has probably been the biggest improvement for Grayson this month and I am so very thankful. He has gone from only sleeping for one 3-4 hour period each night and then waking every 2 hours to only waking up once for about 10 minutes for a quick feed each night. Grayson even slept through the night (11pm-6am) once this week! His sleep schedule is much more consistent which is so helpful to have something to loosely depend on. He goes to bed between 10pm-11pm each night, wakes around 3am for a quick feed, and then wakes up again between 6am-7am. He may stay up for about an hour and then goes down for a long morning nap until about 10am. This might not seem like much, but it's a vast improvement over last month. Grayson has been practicing taking naps in his crib and is just an overall better sleeper. He still loves to fall asleep in my arms, but he will also fall asleep pretty much anywhere. He still loves sleeping in his car seat, but he even fell asleep on his play mat (and took a 2.5 hr nap!) this week. I can put him in his Rock 'N' Play when he is getting sleepy and instead of crying, he will slowly put himself to sleep and is learning to self-soothe. It's great! As of right now, he still sleeps in his Rock 'N' Play next to our bed, but we are slowly working on crib training and transitioning.

 

 

Clothes: Grayson is in-between sizes right now. Most of his 0-3 month clothing is a little snug or fits just right while his 3-6 month clothing is still pretty big on him with plenty of room to grow. He is still in size 2 diapers. 
 

 

Feeding: I am still exclusively breastfeeding him and he has yet to try any solids including rice cereal. Grayson and I are both doing well with breastfeeding and I am very pleased with how smoothly it's gone since I have been back at work. Pumping takes a lot of time and dedication, but we haven't had to supplement for any of his feedings which is awesome. I'm very thankful my body has allowed me to keep this up! I plan to start him on solids once he gives me an indication that he's ready. As of right now, he is very content with breast milk and is actually going longer between feedings (average 3 hours) during the day.

Mood: If I had to describe Grayson's mood this month, it would definitely be content. He is so much more aware of his surroundings and is constantly checking everything out around him. This helps so much because now if he is fussy, I can distract him with music, a bright colored toy, or lights. He will whine if he is bored of the same activity and then is content again when we move on to something different. Grayson isn't shy about how he feels and will let you know if he doesn't like something! He still has his moody days where you have to work for a smile, but other days he is constantly grinning from ear to ear. He also laughed for the first time this month! I love his giggles.
 

 

Milestones: Sits up with little assistance, holds head up very well, stands up while you hold his hands, laughs, talks loudly, grabs on to everything within his grasp, and rolled over twice!
 

 

 

Loves: Smiling, "talking" to us, sitting up and standing with assistance like a big boy, mom's milk (he eats A LOT), shoving his hands in his mouth, yanking and sucking on mom's hair, mommy and daddy's bed, funny sounds, being talked to, and recently sucking his thumb (I think he is definitely getting close to the teething phase!)

 

Doesn’t like:  Tummy time (the only time I have ever seen a tear roll down his face was during tummy time...so sad!) and being cradled like a baby (Grayson wants to sit up and see the world!)

 

Things I Want to Remember:

 

• How much hair Grayson has! He came out with a thick head of dark hair when he was born and it has only gotten thicker with time! I actually have to brush it and "style" it after he gets out of the bath. It's probably the first thing people notice and comment about him.

 

 

 

• Running my first 5k after having Grayson! I was really proud of myself for getting out there after taking almost a year off from running. I was so thankful to have my family there to support me! (Check out Grayson's bear suit!)

 

• Grayson's first time wearing shorts! This child loves his car seat and rides in the car. They knock him out almost every time.

 

• Grayson's first time sitting up in the stroller like a big boy! He loves going on long walks with mommy, daddy, and Cedric.

 

 

• Grayson sleeps like a rock! It cracks me up.

 

• The time he took a 2.5 hour nap on his play mat. All that playing wore him out!

 

• The first time all of Grayson's cousins were in the same place since he has been born! He loves them already!