I actually had no idea I even dealt with anxiety until my senior year of college. I double majored and really wanted to graduate on time (and get the heck out of that place...I was so done!), so I ended up taking 18 credit hours my last 2 semesters. Crazy, I know, but I was determined to pull it off. In October of my senior year, I was more stressed than ever. My course load was overwhelming and the tension sat heavily on my shoulders. One day that fall, I had a particularly bad day. A few things happened that added to my already high stress level and everything finally culminated. I was late to class and found myself almost running to get there on time. I sat in my seat and my thoughts began to race. I had so much going on, so much to do...how was I going to pull this all off? It was just too much for me to handle. All of the sudden, my heart started racing, my hands started shaking and began to go numb. I couldn't catch my breath and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I was really scared, but I couldn't stop what was taking place. After my class ended, I simple Googled my symptoms and quickly found out that I had just experienced my first ever panic attack.
When I realized that all of my anxiety and stress had actually caused a panic attack, I knew something had to change. I mean nothing in my life was that bad. I quickly realized that I never needed to get so worked up about something that I would lose control of my body's reaction. But unfortunately, that is where the problem lies for me. Getting worked up, anxious, overwhelmed...it's just in my nature. My thoughts race and soon they are out of control. My body is tense and my vision is only focused on the issues at hand. I naturally do these things when I am stressed. And I get stressed quite quickly. The more I thought about it, I realized I had dealt with anxiety my entire life but had just never put a name to it. Flashbacks of moments throughout my life went through my head and I realized that I had experienced anxiety since I was a child. Now that I knew what I was dealing with, how was I going to fix it?
At first I just told myself I needed to relax. Then I went through a period a few years ago where I was going through a lot of life changes. I had graduated college, was living at home, was at a loss as to what I wanted to do with my life, and I was in a new, exciting but quickly becoming serious relationship. All of these changes scared me to be quite honest. I seriously debated getting on anti-anxiety medicine. I really didn't want to, but I also didn't want to be on edge on the time. I needed peace of mind and I was willing to do just about anything to get it. In the end, I never got on the medication. There is nothing wrong with doing that, but I felt like my type of anxiety was a battle that I could fight on my own. If only I had the right tools and the will to withstand giving in to it.
The more I studied, I realized that anxiety was also a spiritual battle for me. It was a way for the devil to get to me and bring me down, and boy, did it work. Slowly I would completely lose focus on what God was doing in my life and what He was trying to teach me. I would get so consumed that gratitude, appreciation, and perspective completely left me. I would get so sucked in to the lies that I would forget God's perfect and peace-giving truth. This anxiety, well it was disabling me from being productive, happy, and serving God in the way I should -- filled with joy and peace. I wanted to be able to focus on what really mattered and let the rest fall away. But that, for an anxiety-prone person like me, takes a lot of work. I have to fight my natural tendencies and really, I have to fight myself.
Anxiety is something I still deal with today. It's an issue that has recently come up again in my life due to all the changes, crazy schedules, lack of sleep, and just general busyness of my life. What I came to accept is that everyone's life is busy. Everyone has their plate full. It's just finding a healthy way to deal with it that is the key. So for me, I am constantly trying to:
- Calm down and take a breath
- Slow my thoughts -- they tend to be racing
- Keep perspective --these are first-world problems, after all
- Remember my blessings -- I have SO many! My life is awesome.
- Accept that life will go on if everything is not done
- Things don't have to and will not be perfect, and that's okay
- Relax, watch tv, or take time to not think -- turn my brain off for a while
- Get out and take a walk, run, or spend time with my family -- they are what truly matters to me
- Read my Bible, meditate on scriptures, pray, and let God fill me what the joy and peace He promises
- Enjoy life -- I only have one life, I need to enjoy it!
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