Anxiety

Hello, my name is Brittany and I am a type A person. I liked order, control, and routine. I actually get a weird euphoria from making a list, checking things off said list, and completing tasks. I've never been a fan of change and am ridiculously predictable. I'm also emotional, sensitive, and tend to get overwhelmed easily. All that to say that I really struggle with anxiety and it has only gotten worse as I get older and as life gets more complicated, challenging, and overwhelming.

I actually had no idea I even dealt with anxiety until my senior year of college. I double majored and really wanted to graduate on time (and get the heck out of that place...I was so done!), so I ended up taking 18 credit hours my last 2 semesters. Crazy, I know, but I was determined to pull it off. In October of my senior year, I was more stressed than ever. My course load was overwhelming and the tension sat heavily on my shoulders. One day that fall, I had a particularly bad day. A few things happened that added to my already high stress level and everything finally culminated. I was late to class and found myself almost running to get there on time. I sat in my seat and my thoughts began to race. I had so much going on, so much to do...how was I going to pull this all off? It was just too much for me to handle. All of the sudden, my heart started racing, my hands started shaking and began to go numb. I couldn't catch my breath and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I was really scared, but I couldn't stop what was taking place. After my class ended, I simple Googled my symptoms and quickly found out that I had just experienced my first ever panic attack.

When I realized that all of my anxiety and stress had actually caused a panic attack, I knew something had to change. I mean nothing in my life was that bad. I quickly realized that I never needed to get so worked up about something that I would lose control of my body's reaction. But unfortunately, that is where the problem lies for me. Getting worked up, anxious, overwhelmed...it's just in my nature. My thoughts race and soon they are out of control. My body is tense and my vision is only focused on the issues at hand. I naturally do these things when I am stressed. And I get stressed quite quickly. The more I thought about it, I realized I had dealt with anxiety my entire life but had just never put a name to it. Flashbacks of moments throughout my life went through my head and I realized that I had experienced anxiety since I was a child. Now that I knew what I was dealing with, how was I going to fix it?

At first I just told myself I needed to relax. Then I went through a period a few years ago where I was going through a lot of life changes. I had graduated college, was living at home, was at a loss as to what I wanted to do with my life, and I was in a new, exciting but quickly becoming serious relationship. All of these changes scared me to be quite honest. I seriously debated getting on anti-anxiety medicine. I really didn't want to, but I also didn't want to be on edge on the time. I needed peace of mind and I was willing to do just about anything to get it. In the end, I never got on the medication. There is nothing wrong with doing that, but I felt like my type of anxiety was a battle that I could fight on my own. If only I had the right tools and the will to withstand giving in to it.

The more I studied, I realized that anxiety was also a spiritual battle for me. It was a way for the devil to get to me and bring me down, and boy, did it work. Slowly I would completely lose focus on what God was doing in my life and what He was trying to teach me. I would get so consumed that gratitude, appreciation, and perspective completely left me. I would get so sucked in to the lies that I would forget God's perfect and peace-giving truth. This anxiety, well it was disabling me from being productive, happy, and serving God in the way I should -- filled with joy and peace. I wanted to be able to focus on what really mattered and let the rest fall away. But that, for an anxiety-prone person like me, takes a lot of work. I have to fight my natural tendencies and really, I have to fight myself.

Anxiety is something I still deal with today. It's an issue that has recently come up again in my life due to all the changes, crazy schedules, lack of sleep, and just general busyness of my life. What I came to accept is that everyone's life is busy. Everyone has their plate full. It's just finding a healthy way to deal with it that is the key. So for me, I am constantly trying to:

• Calm down and take a breath
• Slow my thoughts -- they tend to be racing
• Keep perspective --these are first-world problems, after all
• Remember my blessings -- I have SO many! My life is awesome.
• Accept that life will go on if everything is not done
• Things don't have to and will not be perfect, and that's okay
• Relax, watch tv, or take time to not think -- turn my brain off for a while
• Get out and take a walk, run, or spend time with my family -- they are what truly matters to me
• Read my Bible, meditate on scriptures, pray, and let God fill me what the joy and peace He promises
• Enjoy life -- I only have one life, I need to enjoy it!

This is a small insight at my struggle with anxiety. This is me being transparent and honest. I hope that this post encourages someone in some way. Hopefully it at least serves as a reminder that if you too struggle with anxiety, you are not alone. We are all in this together. These internal battles are hard to overcome, but it is possible. One step at a time.

Little Wins

It's been a while since I've written anything on my blog that wasn't baby related...and I realize that. I haven't been the best about documenting my life, experiences, thoughts, struggles, etc. on my blog in the past few months. In all honesty, it is because I've felt swamped. I haven't been able to put into words everything I've been feeling, doing, and experiencing. There's just been so much! Between the new roles and responsibilities I now have in my life combined with the old ones, I've felt overwhelmed and just downright exhausted. There are days where I feel so happy my heart could explode, but there are also days (especially recently) where I get down on myself and don't feel like I'm doing a very good job. There's just so much to get done: cleaning, laundry, sleep training, working, pumping, feeding, playing, cooking....combine that with the sleepless nights and some days I just crack. (Anyone else get emotional when exhausted?) I start to feel inadequate and that I'm just not enough.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who constantly reassures me that I am a great mother and wife, even when I feel like that's far from the truth. I get negative (way too quickly) and forget what is actually going right. I tend to get so consumed in the struggle that I don't look up and remind myself of the positives, blessings, and accomplishments, no matter the size. (There are a ridiculous number of positives, by the way.) Lately, I've been very stressed, and not quite sure how to deal with it all. So, after talking a lot with my mom, I was reminded to count the little wins. (Don't you love how moms have a way of saying something so simple yet empowering?) I'm trying to make more of an effort to stay positive, stay motivated, and remember what I AM accomplishing. At the end of the day, I sometimes think of all I didn't get done that day, of the number of times Grayson had a meltdown, of my to-do list fails. But you know what? There's so much that goes RIGHT each day. There's so much progress that is made. There are lots of lessons learned. And hey at the very least, I survived, right? And I need to start seeing it. Changing my way of thinking is a work in progress, but I am trying.

Grayson's 4 Month Update!

Welcome to Grayson's 4 month update! Our little man is growing and changing so quickly. We fall more in love with him every day. Not going to lie, this past month has been somewhat challenging. And I have fallen into the horrible habit of comparison and mommy guilt. I struggle with comparing Grayson to other babies and then feeling bad about myself that he may not be doing certain things yet. I am trying to remember each success no matter how small and trying not to get too down on myself as I navigate being a parent for the first time! I'll be the first to admit that this month has brought times where I am completely clueless as to what to do, but I'm learning :)

Weight & Height: Grayson just had his 4 month check up so his measurements are up to date! He is measuring 78% for height (25.75 inches) and 69% for weight (15 lbs 14.9 oz). I can definitely feel the difference when I pick him up now. Grayson is giving mommy an arm workout! He's a growing and healthy baby boy!

Feeding: Grayson's feeding schedule is pretty much the same as last month. He still eats about every 3-4 hours and can go a little longer between feedings now. We have been trying to cut out his snacking, so that he has more solid feedings. Josh is better at it than I am because he is a little more restricted with his supply of milk I have pumped and left for him to use on the days I work. I, on the other hand, am able to feed Grayson any time I want and tend to give in to that when he is being really fussy. These days the trouble comes from trying to decipher the difference from when Grayson is hungry or just grumpy! We still haven't started solids as of yet and I am still exclusively breastfeeding. I am a little torn on what I am going to do. But I'm thinking by 5 months, we will definitely be ready!

Sleeping: Sleep is all over the board for Grayson. I hate to say that, but it's the truth. I have felt really discouraged recently with Grayson's sleep schedule. Unfortunately he still wakes fairly often during the night. He struggles to sleep for long periods of time, usually 3-4 hours at a time (sometimes more and sometimes less). Last night he did a 5 hour stretch, so that was nice! I am getting better about not always feeding him when he wakes up and giving him his pacifier to soothe him back to sleep. That works about half the time. Some nights he does great and only wakes once a night and other nights it's 2-3 times. He usually isn't up for very long, but I struggle to go back to sleep quickly, so that's tough. I get discouraged when I hear about other babies who sleep through the night, but that just isn't our child. I honestly think Grayson is just one of those kids who won't sleep through the night until he's a little older. And that's okay. It's a constant work in progress! But on an exciting note, he successfully transitioned into his crib! Grayson officially sleeps in his own room! As much as I thought I would be sad about that, I am kind of enjoying it. He may not sleep through the night, but he is doing awesome in his crib! I am trying to focus on the little successes in the sleeping department :)

Clothes: Grayson wears size 3-6 months now in most things. He can still fit in a few 0-3 month clothing items especially pants (poor baby has his mama's short legs!). He is growing like crazy though and sometimes only wears certain outfits a few times before he can't fit in them any more. We were blessed to be given bags of little boy's clothes from one of my co-workers! Grayson will have cute little boy's clothes for a very long time :) He is still in a size 2 diaper, but we are pushing it. I have a box of Pampers to finish off and then we will be off to size 3!

Mood: Our little guy has begun teething, so he has been quite moody and fussy this month. His mood kind of cracks me up because he can be giggling and smiling and within seconds start to cry. He's a little emotional ;) Grayson is now a little ticklish, so I can get some good laughs and smiles out of him. He is much more free with his grins and will give them to you now without you having to work so hard! You can also distract him when he is upset now. I often dance, sing, or make crazy sounds to distract him from crying and he soon forgets what he was upset about! Because he is teething, he has been a little fussier and more clingy than normal. I also think he realizes who Josh and I are at this point and sometimes gets upset if other people (who aren't mommy and daddy) are holding him. I'm thinking this is a phase that will soon pass! Overall, he's a such sweet little boy. Sometimes I look over and see him just grinning while watching me and it makes my heart melt!

 

Milestones: No more screaming during tummy time because Grayson can lift his head up!, grabbing toys and reaching for what's in front of him, sleeping in his crib, and scooting around in a circle on his back (he is no longer in the same place you left him!).

Loves: Mommy & Daddy, kisses from Cedric, funny sounds, chewing on anything he can get his hands on, sitting up and standing with assistance, other children, his carrier, loud environments with a lot going on (he loves to observe), chatting up a storm and watching tv!

Dislikes: Nothing specific comes to mind, just whatever rubs him the wrong way in the moment! :)

Things I Want to Remember

• First Easter

• Taking Grayson hiking at Kennesaw Mountain and Sweetwater Creek Park -- He did so great! He loves being outdoors and is always completely silence and in awe on our hikes, taking in all the sights, sounds, and colors. We took him in the jogging stroller at Sweetwater and the Baby Bajorn carrier at Kennesaw Mtn. I really like the carrier and he seems to as well. Our family has really enjoyed these hikes lately as a way to enjoy some fresh air and quality time together.

Meeting his great-grandparents and his first flight -- what a special weekend! Grayson did really well on both flights back and forth and he also really liked the airport. He was observing the entire time and taking it all in. I am so thankful Grayson was able to meet his great-grandparents (my grandma & grandpa). We were also able to plan a strategic visit with my brother who planned his layover in Atlanta while we were coming back from our trip! It is really special for my family to meet and spend time with our son.

He can now use new toys!