Perfection + Motherhood Just Don't Mix

As everyone has probably figured out by now from my constant posts of my little cutie, I love being a mom. I have always dreamed of being a mom since I was a little girl. I was over the moon when we found out we were expecting our first child. As amazing as it was to watch Grayson grow in my belly and feel his constant kicks, nothing prepared me for the amount of love I would feel when he finally arrived. The love I feel for my son is indescribable and more than I ever thought possible. My heart literally swells when I see him and I am instantly filling with joy. As with any new season, change brings excitement and challenges. You learn new things about yourself and you are tested in different ways. While Grayson brings out a happiness in me that I've never felt before, being a mom has also brought out a lot of insecurity and anxiety within me. Probably not what you were expecting to hear, but it's the truth. I am someone who seeks perfection in life and I am quickly learning that perfection and motherhood just don't mix. In fact, it's almost a laughable concept, but still a lesson I am constantly learning and trying to accept. Little did I know that in raising a child, he might be teaching me more than I am teaching him.

I am someone who always strives for the best. I am a Type A personality all the way and I set really high expectations for myself. I don't handle "failure" well and I can be really hard on myself. Motherhood has really tested my confidence in myself and my abilities. It's challenged me in ways I wasn't expecting or prepared for. There are so many days, most days in fact, that things don't go as planned. Instead of accepting this imperfection as just a part of life and being a parent, I began to internalize these shortcomings and feel like I was failing. I felt like I was failing as a mom and failing at teaching my son all the things he's "supposed" to know and how he's "supposed" to act. On the tough days with Grayson, I felt like I was doing something wrong and I wasn't living up to the mother I thought I would be. I felt disappointed in myself and at a loss because a lot of the issues I was having with him didn't have any easy fix. They would take time, patience, and a lot of grace to conquer.

As I began to feel more insecure as a mother, I started to look at other mothers and babies. I did this mostly for guidance, but it soon became about something much more. I've always struggling with comparing, but becoming a mother has really made my insecurities surface. I started seeing pictures of other babies doing this and that and thinking...why doesn't my child do that? What am I doing wrong? I would hear stories of babies much younger than Grayson eating solids 3 meals a day and sleeping through the night at a few months old (two major ongoing struggles for us) and immediately felt terrible about myself. I would look at the successes of other mothers and their children and deeply question myself and my abilities to parent. Comparison soon became a parasite in my life, sucking a lot of the joy and confidence out of my days. As much as I love social media and keeping up with other moms, sometimes their posts and pictures were challenging to see. It was hard not to feel jealous of their successes while I was over here feeling like I was barely able to keep afloat in this ship called raising a child. There is a quote that says, "Comparison is the thief of joy" and that is so very true. Instead of feeling happy for others, comparison stole the joy right out of my day and brought me so far down. I needed positivity, confidence, and support and comparison was giving me the opposite of that.

As time goes on and with a lot of encouragement from others, I am realizing that my journey as a mother isn't going to be perfect. I'm not going to have a perfect child or have perfect parenting skills. I'm still very new at this and I am constantly learning. My son may not sleep through the night or eat many solids or let other people hold him half the time, but that's okay. Every child is different and each one of them has strengths and weaknesses. And those areas that need improvement aren't necessarily a reflection of my ability to be a good mom. Love is what makes me a good mom (or so I'm told). I love my son so stinkin' much and I am constantly trying my absolute best for him. And at the end of the day, that's all I can do. These insecurities are still something I'm dealing with on a daily basis, but I wanted to share a little bit of my journey with you all. I hope that if there are any other moms out there who also struggle with these things that they know they aren't alone in these fears. No day with your child is going to be perfect, but that doesn't mean it isn't rich in love and joy. And that's what really matters, isn't it? Your ability to be a good mom doesn't hinge on your child hitting milestones or acting angelic all the time. So keep going, keep trying, and keep smiling. Find that inner confidence because you ARE a good mom. It's going to be messy, loud, hard, trying and so much fun...oh the journey of motherhood!