Our Miracle Baby

So if you haven't already seen our announcement....I'm pregnant...again! :) Not only am I expecting our second child, but I am actually halfway through this pregnancy. Yesterday I hit the 20 week mark! Crazy, I know. We are thrilled to finally be able to share this news with everyone. The reason behind this pregnancy staying a "secret" for so long is that it's been...complicated, for lack of a better word. The past few months have been some of the most challenging that I've ever walked through. If you've ever gone through a "high risk" pregnancy, then I seriously applaud you. It's a tough road. Thankfully, I am at a place now in the pregnancy where I am finally feeling a little more confident about everything. But unfortunately, there is still risk and it's something I have to battle each day. I wanted to share my story of this pregnancy with you all. It's been an emotional and hard journey, but also so exciting and amazing. I've witnessed the faithfulness of God like nothing I've ever experienced before and for that, I am grateful. So if you are interested (stick with me, it's long)...here's my story thus far in carrying our miracle baby. Our sweet baby GIRL! (And yes, I am already crying as I write this post!)

On December 28, we found out that I was pregnant with our second baby! We were elated! The night we actually found out was funny because we completely weren't expecting the pregnancy test to come out positive. We were "trying" for our second baby, but hadn't had any luck yet. I was feeling funny and Josh suggested I check.... I came back in the room with a wide-eyed, crazy smile because the pregnancy test was positive! We were thrilled.

I can't believe this guy is going to be a big brother!!

Side note: I had the easiest and best pregnancy with Grayson! I felt wonderful the entire time, never got sick or even felt nauseous, and even continued working out until a few days before he was born. I completely expected for this pregnancy to go just as smoothly. I thought..."I'm just one of those lucky women that doesn't get sick, feels great, and loves being pregnant! I'm just going to be able to "pop" babies out and it will be a breeze!" Well, God had other plans for this pregnancy that I was soon to find out.

Only a week or two after finding out I was pregnant, I started having a lot of pain, especially on my right side. I tried to remember that "every pregnancy is different", but I never experienced any kind of pain with Grayson. It got to a point where I decided to get it checked out and once I called the doctor, they wanted to see me immediately. There was a chance this extreme pain on one side meant this was an ectopic pregnancy which is a major and life threatening problem. On the drive there, I was freaking out. I kept thinking...this excitement didn't last long! Thankfully, I found out that I actually had a corpus luteum cyst on my right ovary (related to the pregnancy) and everything was okay. But that's where the pain was coming from at that point. Little did I know, this was just the beginning of the complications and scary moments I would experience.

Over the next few weeks, I had so much pain and cramping. More than I ever experienced in my previous pregnancy. I was really nervous, but kept trying to tell myself everything was probably fine. Then one evening I had a little bit of spotting. I always prayed I would never experience spotting (although I know it can be normal) because I just knew I couldn't handle it and wouldn't be able to stay calm. Well, I know myself pretty well because my heart basically stopped. I was so scared something was wrong. I went to my "confirmation" appointment at 8 weeks and everything looked fine! I was so relieved. I mentioned the spotting to the doctor and they weren't concerned especially because it can be common in the first trimester. I was thrilled everything looked great, but again as the weeks went on; I kept feeling more pain and was spotting off and on. I kept telling myself I just had to get to the second trimester and things would finally be okay. Everyone kept reassuring me that this could easily all be part of a healthy and normal pregnancy, but my gut instinct was that something was really wrong.

On February 8th (10 weeks pregnant), I was driving to work and the unthinkable happened. I was literally in conversation with my mom about how I wanted to get rechecked at the doctor because of the spotting, pain, and just feeling like something wasn't right. As I was talking to her and driving...I started bleeding, heavily. That moment was one of the scariest I have ever experienced. I immediately started driving in the direction of the hospital, so that I could go to the Emergency Room. As I drove, I just knew I was miscarrying. By the time I got into the ER, my pants were soaked with blood and I couldn't believe this was actually happening. Thankfully Josh joined me there soon after and we awaited the ultrasound that would check to see if our baby had made it through or not. I told Josh that there was absolutely no way the baby was alive because of how much blood I had lost (and was continuing to lose)...absolutely no way. We went into the ultrasound room and prepared for the worst. The technicians aren't technically supposed to go over the ultrasound results with you. They are supposed to wait for the doctors to do that. I couldn't actually see the screen, but I just knew the news I was about to hear. Finally, the ultrasound tech could see the distressed look on our faces and told us...."well there's a heartbeat and the baby looks fine!" I was completely shocked. I honestly didn't believe it or even understand how that could be. I found out at that visit to the ER that I had something called a subchorionic hemorrhage. Basically, it's bleeding between the uterus and the placenta. Nothing causes it and only 1%-5% of pregnant women ever experience it. I was sent home diagnosed with this hemorrhage and a higher chance of miscarriage that wouldn't end when the first trimester ended, but only when the hemorrhage healed and completely went away. I was still bleeding when we left and was told the bleeding would last a while which was scary. I was supposed to decrease my activity and take it easy, but unfortunately there wasn't anything that could heal this hemorrhage or make it go away. Nature just had to take its course and we just had to see what would happen. I was so relieved the baby was still alive, but also heartbroken that I didn't know if the baby would live. I felt like my world had been flipped upside down. In one day, I went from having a completely "normal" pregnancy to being thrown in the "high risk" category. My thoughts went from thinking about making a cute Facebook annoucement and having fun guessing the gender to begging God, "Please help this baby live."  It was a weird paradox of emotions. At that time, the hemorrhage was fairly small, so the doctors had high hopes of it healing and not causing any more issues. 

I had my 11 week appointment at the OBGYN the next week. I went in hoping and almost assuming that things would be better. When I told the doctor I was still having some bleeding, she was immediately concerned. I went in for another ultrasound and found out that the hemorrhage had not only not healed, but it had grown in size. My heart sank and I had to hold back tears. It grew?! The doctor basically told me the same thing as they had in the ER. We were just going to have to wait and see what happened and there was nothing I could do to help the situation. One of the hardest things to hear is that you can't do anything to help save your baby's life. You just have to wait and see...and trust God. I went home feeling really sad and defeated.

But the rollercoaster didn't end there. I woke up at midnight that night (February 17th) heavily bleeding again. This time, I was bleeding out fist sized clots. Terrifying was an understatement. We headed to the ER at 1am and it was the quietest car ride I think Josh and I have ever experienced together. With the amount of blood and massive clots I had lost, there was no doubt in my mind that I had lost the baby. I walked into the ER feeling completely devastated and numb. I even had to sit in the bathroom while waiting to be admitted in the ER because I was still losing so much blood. We waited in our room once again for the dreaded ultrasound that I knew would confirm my worst fear. Being taken back to the ultrasound room was awful because I knew what our future held. Or at least I thought I knew. The tech started the ultrasound and again, I couldn't exactly see the screen, but I could see the reflection. Weirdly enough, it appeared like the baby was still in there. I thought well surely if the baby is in there, there definitely isn't a heartbeat. Josh suddenly turned to the ultrasound tech and asked her...."Can you show my wife what we are seeing on the screen?" It was our baby...moving! The baby was wiggling around, super active, with a healthy heart beat. I know I've said I was in shock many times at this point, but this time took the cake! By the grace of God, the severe bleeding hadn't affected the baby at all. I don't think I've ever felt so amazed by God as I was in that moment.

                    Baby feet! 😍

 
The following weeks have been filled with bed rest, extremely limited activity, not being able to be nearly as active of a mother as I am used to, high risk specialist appointments, learning that the hemorrhage continued to grow and grow despite being on bed rest and a lot of tears. I've clung on to God more than I ever have in my entire life. I have had to depend on God each moment of the day to get me through. He has been my strength through this entire pregnancy because I literally couldn't have handled this situation on my own. I've had to make the daily choice....am I going to push God away and be mad or am I going to trust His promises and His Word? The anxiety and fear I've felt have been like no other. Each day I woke up not knowing what was going to happen to my precious baby, but trying so hard to trust God's perfect and good plan. While 2016 hasn't been nearly what I was expecting so far, I can come out of this saying that God is so incredibly faithful and good. My faith has been tested in ways I've never experienced, but I've felt God with me every step of the way. God has given me encouragement and joy through different events and people that have kept me going when I felt like giving up. And of course the biggest praise of all, God has sustained and protected my daughter's life! God has had His hand on this situation from the beginning and He continues to allow this precious little life to grow and be healthy despite the danger that she was and is still in.

 

I can happily report that the hemorrhage is now much smaller and I am carrying a perfectly healthy baby! I am still at risk, but it appears as if my body is healing and that is a very good sign. I am also able to do more and more as far as activity goes which I am extremely thankful for! (If you've ever been on bed rest or not been able to take care of your child because of health restrictions, then you know how terrible it can be.) Our little girl kicks me each day (she's an active one!) reminding me that she's a fighter and that our God can do the impossible. I believe God already has big plans for her little life and I'm thrilled to be small part of it. This season of life has been tough, but it's just that, a season. I've learned that there's always something to be grateful for and am constantly reminded of how precious life really is. Please continue to pray for our sweet little one and for this pregnancy as it progresses. Words cannot describe how blessed I feel to be at this point and to be carrying a healthy baby girl!